伤

时间过得越久，你就会看得越清楚。就算看不见也能用心感受。一幕幕都会深深地铭刻于心，想放也放不下，想抹也抹不掉，想忘也忘不了。因为没法让自己失意-从此，它在心底成了死结。从此，‘恨’在心底造了四面墙。从此，一生中所渴望的只剩下逃离...

a horrible way to end the day.

long time since I've last blogged. I've been busy doing revision for my tax. And blogging is definitely the last thing I would do at such period where time is a limiting factor. I can't help it. I'm at the edge of breaking down - the nightmares prior to exams and those things that have been irritating me for the past month - esp for a house of 6 pple  (inc the maid) being increased to 9 today. i hate the idea. entirely. I simply hate the noise, the difficulty in moving ard the house and many other things which noone can ever understand except living with them. Perhaps it isn't right to feel this way. but I can't help it.

Many times I have been thinking, and hoping that I can remain a full time student, until I graduate from ACCA. I really wished to. But everyday, every moment I'm home - I just wished that I can be more independent - financially. Having that thought of still being dependent on my parents just makes me feel frustrated with myself. I'm simply stuck with this scenario, and there's nth I could do. I promise myself - that I do whatever I can. to leave this place - asap. Because this is really tearing me apart.

my baby oreo

It was indeed a surprise when a bad news turned out to be a good one on 22 August. Thinking that she fell sick, we brought Oreo to the clinic. The vet suspected that it was cancer, and may have to put her to sleep. After the x-ray, it was confirmed that she was pregnant instead. We were looking forward to the birth of Oreo's little baby. The day never arrive. Today I brought her to the vet again, x-ray showed that the baby is starting to decompose in her womb. Decision I have to make: should I let her undergo a surgery to remove the womb? If I do - small animals as exposed to a higher risk of dying due to the anaesthetic for surgery.  If I don't - her womb might rot and she will die. But if I don't, there are chances whereby the baby might just harden after some time and her womb stays unaffected.

I recalled the day when Niu Niu died. She was down with flu, refused to eat or drink, causing her to be dehydrated. Brought her to the clinic, doctor suggested to give her a jab for her dehydration. She was fine then, except looking a little weak, but I agreed anyway. She was screaming. My heart was tearing. It was a totally wrong decision made. She died later in the evening. I suspected that it was due to stress caused by the jab. I caused her death. :'(

Oreo has been a great companion for the past 3.5 yrs - rain or shine. I love her. I really can't afford to lose her. I do not want Oreo to go through the same fate, I'll decide not to let her go through the surgery. Praying for her, dear Lord, Please bless Oreo... 

Healing and transforming God,
your love knows no boundaries, and in your sight every life is precious;
look with compassion on Oreo, and make us your agents of healing in a broken world.
Amen. 

                                                      <3 Oreo <3 Choco <3

fragile, please handle with care.

人 - 是不是会在生病时，心灵变得特别焦脆，想得特别多？

咳了一晚，头快裂开了。实在让人崩溃。 :'(

恨

我好恨。我恨这些不负责任的人。恨得我咬牙切齿。:'(

Awaiting~~

I'm am sooooo looking fwd to monday. I've been waiting so long for the release of exam results. It wasn't much of worrying, but excitement - cos i've aldy gave in my best.

Like what Paul Owen said, there'll definitely be chaos from "moving" of modules as the results are released. I'm really excited, because only till then, I can then start to plan what i should do. Despite of only signing up for 2 modules this semester, I really do have the urge to give up audit. Probably because both Tax and Audit are totally new modules, and I've been spending more (or probably too much) time on Tax.

Sometimes I really hate myself for being a slow learner. On top of that - a pretty bad memory. Its not just about working harder than others, but more of a waste of time. Aldy spent one extra year in Sec 5, and now - only get to pass an average of 2 modules per semester for ACCA. This is driving me crazy. And I still have no idea what works best for me. I really pray hard... Do let me pass both F7 & F9 - such that i can focus on tax (at least). Audit? talking about Audit - it is really a lesson to learn. Why on earth did i do something so dumb. I really really don't understand. Sigh.. no choice, I have to live with it.

This is a tough semester. but I'm not gonna let it bring me down. no way.

Getting across, moving on...

As things fall apart, so does your heart. But somehow, they'll be back into places before you realise it. While some may feel this way, I never feel that my family (therefore me) is rich. I've been through so much. And being 'rich' to me is more than just its literal meaning. You may be rich in your pocket, but empty at heart.

I wouldn't say that I always get what I wanted, because this would make it sounds too easy. Family, friends, as well as academic results - they only come to me through hard work. I may not fare well in these areas, I've been trying my best.

Communication seems to be my major issue when it comes to family and friends. Since young, I always feel that no one will care how I feel, no one understands what I want, or even if they do, they wouldn't be bothered. Even if I were to say something about how i feel, no one will listen. Afterall I did survive the years, until when I started to feel that this isn't gonna work because it seems like I'm losing all my friends. 

But after so many years it now seems tough to open yourself up to others because it has already been part of you. I've been trying hard to overcome this whole communication barrier by writing, by sms, or whatever method so long as it does not require me to 'face' the other party. Although it took me some time, I could now feel that things do improve. Hehe.. all I need is a little more courage to speak up. ;)

Hence afterall, Jesus loves me! I always know that. Things are taken away from me, so that I will work hard to achieve them. Things are returned back to me because Jesus knows that I've put in my effort. My life isn't smooth-sailing because Jesus wants me to learn - not to take things for granted. I am thankful for, and appreciate that :) for it makes me a better person. 

when "approaching disaster" leads to greater disaster..

This is probably the worst Wednesday I ever had for this semester. I always thought that the 7 hrs lecture was bad enough...

I went to school this morning.. took the lift up to my classroom at the fifth level, and saw somebody from the office sitting outside the lift. Student were queuing to tapping their card on that new system which I wasn't even aware when it started. Attendance was always signed in class. A sense of guilt came over me and I started calling my friend for help. 

What happened was, the class which i was going to attend was not registered under my name but my friend. I was trying to help her because as foreign students, it is a must for them to take up 3 modules every semester, regardless of whether they pass the previous modules or not. Somehow at the very moment, I regretted for being helpful.

She didn't pick up my calls, and i decided to simply pretend that nothing has happened, and walked into the classroom. I was lucky. Neither did she stop me from entering, nor went back to class and pointed me out. So i thought that was an approaching disaster until I met one real disaster in just 1.5hrs time... I've never felt so helpless. I just wanna cry.

原来

原来幸福可以那么简单。好久没有那么开心，那么轻松。

这样就足够了 =）

一片混乱

从来不会这样子，生活一片混乱。似乎好像失去了灵魂。走路都像梦游，失去了平衡感。每天都不知到那一天是怎么过的。就连怎么呼吸都不记得。

对于考试成绩，我毫无信心。前方的路一片黯然，掩盖了思绪，掩盖了生活中的大大小小，更掩盖了一切计划。这时候的自己什么也不想做，可是真的没时间了。十二月又要考试了。。

真，假。

很多时候我觉得自己很好笨。别人说什么我都信。你说“没有",我不会怀疑你"有”。明知道真相很痛，却又忍不住想要揭穿一切。我真的不该，不该把对你最美好的印象给破坏。为何念了那么多书却还是那么傻？有谁能教教我如何分辨真假？难道朋友之间就没有诚实可言？

好期待明天。好想快点见到我最亲的家人。好想忘记今晚所发现的一切谎言...

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表弟的生日
今天只逗留了一会儿，觉得很不好意思。可是真的没办法。虽然礼物和祝福都送上了，还是想真心祝福他，但愿他今天的灿烂笑容时时刻刻都跟随着他。（=

给：佑珊

美女！

从公园绕了一圈回来，途中突然想到你。不知到怎么跑着跑着，心里觉得好难过，好感慨。更想抱着你哭。昨天一早到机场接你的画面一一浮现。缘分真的很奇妙。天涯海角都让我们遇见了，还那么要好。想起昨天聊的话题，发觉我们似乎同命相连。幸福那么简单，却怎么离我们那么遥远，那么遥不可及。难道真是因为报应吗？

如果你看见我今天的博客，一定觉得我好傻。只是此刻的我，只能偷偷的躲在房里流泪... 或许幸福从来都不属于我。我也走不进“幸福"的世界里...

Falling in Love

Classes begin. Supposedly I should have no time for any other things. Somehow, I don't seem to be in a right state of mind to start school. I am not prepared. Instead of doing revision today, I had done nothing. I went for a jog in the afternoon, went to school for a wasted trip and back home for a nap, and for another jog at night. There goes my day.

I've begun to fall in love with gym. Unlike the heart, everything seems clear there. The speed, the time, and the distance. It seems to be the only place where I could feel my existence. and I'm starting to fall in love with it. You shall never know how addictive it could be, until you fall in love, and so, the pain that comes along with it. (:

An ending holiday

My 2weeks of holiday simply comes to an end in a blink of eyes. There it goes, and everything of hard work starts all over again. I knew that this would be a tougher semester - after so much changes. Every part of my life seems new - new life, new school, new friends (hopefully), new modules...

I'm not sure if such changes are welcomed, and whether I'm ready to adopt to such changes. All I'm sure is that such changes have provided me with new options, and therefore new decisions to be made. That's the part which I hate most. They just left me with tons of uncertainties which disrupt plans.  And that repeats the planning cycle all over again. 

Somehow I feel that this semester will not be a smooth one. But all I can do is wait, when the exam results are out. I am worried, so worried to the extent that I couldn't start any plans for now. If it happens that I failed both modules (which I really hope that will not happen), all plans made will have to be postponed. Crazy. If that's the case, when will I be able to graduate??!

Too many issues are haunting me. I couldn't even get a night of good rest. Waking to umpteen times in the middle of the night and forcing myself to get to sleep. and forcing myself to sleep longer in the morning because I know that I haven't got enough rest, when my body alarm is reminding me that it's time to wake up. Suddenly feel that sleep can be this miserable. or life can be this miserable. 

I had a long jog last night in the park. It was more than twice the distance I would usually jog.  During the jog, I was hoping that somehow I would just disappear, or vanish - altogether, and gone with the wind. 

因为了解，所以心痛...

你總是這樣說我　像一顆不容易溶化的糖果
帶我見你的朋友　又很得意的埋怨我沉默

＊　你追問我的行蹤　你在乎我的舉動
哄得我淚眼迷濛　做些事情讓我被感動

望著你　突然一陣心痛　一次又一次任那感情放縱
你的脆弱　讓我走不開　你的依賴　所以我存在

想著你　還是想到心痛　期待我做的　將來你都會懂
有一天　真如果有一天　但願我還在你記憶中　＊

最美丽的结局...

我花了三天的时间把整部《宫锁心玉》看完了。当我开始看第一集的时候，还以为自己弄错了。明明是部古装剧却是从现代21世纪开始的。
记得我在看还珠格格的时候曾经幻想自己有一天也能够像《宫锁心玉》里的晴川一样 - 穿越时空回到过去。现在想想是很傻。还以为那个时代的人应该不会那么有竞争力，比我们现在幸福。其实那时代的人为了生存其实一点也不容易。看了第一集时钩起了我不少小学时的回忆。
但是整部让我回忆最深刻的是在最后一集。雍正皇写给晴川的一封信。信里是这么写的：


你见  或者不见我，我就在那里  不悲不喜。
你念  或者不念我，情就在那里  不来不去。
你爱  或者不爱我，爱就在那里  不增不减。
你跟  或者不跟我，我的手就在你手里  不舍不弃。
来到我的怀里，或者 让我住进你的心里。
默然相爱  寂静欢喜。


真的很感人。只是晴川爱的，并不是他，而是八啊哥。晴川为了希望他们感情不再恶化下去，选择了在九星连珠之日回到21世纪。结局我超爱。因为那年奇迹般的有两次九星连珠，也把八啊个带去了21世纪。

我在想，如果每一个故事的结局都能如此完美，那该多好...

幸福是...

幸福是当你身边的人感到幸福时，自己也会随着他们的幸福而幸福. (:

结束，开始...

一段故事的结束总连接着另一段故事的开始.

在未来的旅途中,

我深信我们都会找到彼此更加珍惜的伴侣.

总有一天,一定会... 

而你依然还是 - 我最珍惜的你... (:

2011

时间匆匆而过，一转眼又是新的学期，新的一年。去年是忙碌的一年，但似乎今年似乎并不比今年来得轻松。一开学就已经忙得头昏脑专。现在才真正体会到时间的宝贵。学校的压力就好比在心中的大石，把整个人都压得紧紧的，压得喘不过气来。学如不及，犹恐失之 - 所以想深入学习。可又担心会耗费太多时间。一个字形容。烦。

更烦人的是，要如何才能远离身边事物，静下心来，好让眼前剩下的只有我，和它(本子)？