疯子

不知道当初说要换名字的决定对不对。我似乎感觉到一些改变，但却又说不上来。是我自己多疑吗? 我真的不知道到底发生了什么事。就是一种莫名的感触。

我似乎被撕成了两半，变成了一个产生两种不一样的思想的人。这种感觉好难受。最近我一直猜想-终究我是否还是我。在我还没"成功"之前，我已经快被这两个自己逼成活死人了。

New name, new life?

4 August - I changed my name from Tan Mei Xuan to Tan Yi Jing. Some sort of reflection to be done here -How has life been for the past 2 weeks? Hectic. Hasn't been sleeping well. Yesterday I have realy got no mood for work. I went to the doctor for mc, and was given 5 sleeping pills. just 5. I was used to be given 10. Anyway I've not taken any.

I'm getting sick of work. it was good initially when i just gotten use to it. but i wasn't when u got too use to it, when u know to much which u shouldn't. who exactly are you really working with? I know tt dofferent pple have difernt characteristics, and tt it's not possible to be friends with everyone. but i just simply hate the feeling. sometimes i wonder if i prefer working alone. when i was in i love children, when i was working alone. i love that peacefulness. and i really missed it. the days where u knew that there are so much to be completed, yet still look forward to work.

Well, enough of the once upon a time. Perhaps I should start taking the pills. I need them. I need more. I hate to wake up feeling nervous and excited over nothing. I hate work. I hate myself. when life on earth is as good as in hell...

i'm trying hard to type sth

after starring at the screen for 10mins, i seriously have no idea what i should write. it's bernice's late day at work today. i guess days without her in starhub would be boring. initially my impression of her was a little rude. but i didn't blame her. i think she was too irritated by the number of times i did things wrongly, and the numer of time she must remind me on how to get it done right. of cos i know it can be quite irritating at times to keep repeating the same things daily. it's like what i'm doing in starhub daily. anyway, i'll really miss her. =)

Better days?

Days have been getting better.. Work - for the past few weeks have been less hactic. and i have my ways to deal with the irritating, stupid and arrogant customers - to give them the least reaction; as if you can't be bothered, and to feed them with facts (we are only part-timers - so make ur way to the full-timers inside!).

Better days? not really. nth could be better having being tied down to sth which you aren't enjoying at all, without the least satisfaction. Customer service is fun. but it isn't true when most customers aproach you with anger, waiting for you to scream back at them so that they have an opportunity to make a complaint on you.

In order to provide myself with a good reason why I'm here to work, I'll have to count down to the additional amt of money I've earned each time when I at the clock on the screen. And the period when I feel a little energetic? - my breaks. hehe..

I had an innitial intention to work on tuesday to earn OT, but still yet to confirm. I'm already feeling kinda sick of working for 3days, and my next off day after next tuesday will only be saturday. should I..?

厌倦

不知不觉地以过了三个星期。这短短的时间里却令我厌倦了这种生活。我想这只是恶梦的开始。那个地方有如地狱。到那里去的都是混帐、是魔鬼。如果它们都以死了，我依然希望它们再多死几次！！

自从接了这份工，我突然好讨厌现在的自己 ─ 一生气的自己。我讨厌这样的环境。我不快乐-真的不快乐；但我不能哭-尤其在他人面前。

起初我真的没想过会是这样子过。过去在新加坡旅游局当CSO时让我爱上了这份工作。同样的名称，但环境与责任却截然不同 ─ 近乎天渊之别。同事其实不错，就是环境实在要人无法忍受。

明天（还有无数个明天）将又是漫长的一天。到底这场恶梦会延续多久，我又还得维持多久? 我简直快崩溃了！

Summary

How should I get the ball rolling...

Have been busying job searching since the past 2 months.. went for interviews, got into biotherm, 2days of training, 2days of work, and I quit the job. Firstly, I really can't accept the pay. I thought I could. $6 per hr, regardless of wkday or wkend. PH $7. I was scheduled to work only 12 days for the entire of May. so... goodbye to Biotherm.

Continue searching for another job, and I'm now working for starhub under an agency. Yesterday was my 3rd day of work. The job itself isn't very cool, but my colleagues are! And the pay is somewhat acceptable. Well well well.. that's only if I stop comparing with the pay I'd received when I was with STB..

Oh yes.. and school.. I registered for Mathematics and Economics in UOL.. I decided to change course (A&F), but I was told that i had to accept this course before i could actually do the switch. and that I could only switch only after the first year (since first year takes the same subjects), and that someone drops out from A&F. which means that, if no once drops out, I'll have to continue with studying maths. so... should I wait for next yr's aug's intake? I really have no idea it's worth the wait..

A lovely BBQ gathering

3rd cousins gathering. we organized a bbq gathering at my house. with a budget of $220 and 11 people, and a remaining of $11.50, it was obvious that we bought excess food. I bought most of the food (luckily with the help of my mum to prepare them), cooked beehoon (I was cooking halfway but tony insist that he should cook so it would be edible) and helping to eat! but after the cooking part, I was so tired that I dun really have the appetite to eat. Just feel like sleeping..

thanks to me for buying 80% of the food. thanks to tony for making the beehoon edible (eh.. i can cook nicer than that ok.. just that too long never cook).. thanks to alvin, shuyi and wei wei for buying the satay and otah.. thanks to jess and wei wei to make another trip to the ntuc to buy MORE (?!? I was still full from yesterday that i only drank plain water for breakfast this morning) food.. of cos thanks to our biao jie fu for starting the fire.. last but not least thanks to all for helping out, for coming, and to clear the food.

we were having fun until the stupid f**king old bald security guard came to spoil our mood. in the end? we scolded him off. muahahaha.. alvin shall type the complaint letter and we'll send it to the management. Shall make sure he gets (at least) a warning or sth.. it happens everytime.. what wrong with those dogs. dun they have sth better to do?

BBQ gathering

Crazy morning, Crazy me

My alarm went off this morning, and I actually reacted to it. It hasn't been so since I finished the subpaper, since waking up on time isn't any crucial anymore. The first reaction to the alarm was usually "noisy", and next I'll simply turn it off. Yet a little adnormal today. My first reaction to the usual "noise" became "exercise". Of course that was what the alarm was suppose to be meant for in the first place...

Then Tony called. That's my second alarm I supposed. Haha.. And I told him that I think I still want more sleep. After putting down the phone, my eyes were wide awake, and I dun really feel like sleeping anymore. I felt a little excited.. a little worried.. a little... i don't know.. Just out of the norm - feeling WEIRD.

I washed up, got changed, a cup of water and two cream cracker to go with, put on my sports shoes, and off I set. But today, I didn't visit the park - simply too lazy to go the distance. I walked passed the swimming pool and peeped into the gym. Good - no people. Went to the guardhouse to get the key (yes, I still couldn't figure out why they have to keep the gym locked. STUPID, LAZY, USELESS GUARDS. I always feel that they're there for show. who do nth all day long except locking the back gate after midnight - as if it's our fault for returning home late, and prevent us from bringing our pets near the pool.) and started jogging on the track.

After twenty minutes, I thought I was dead. It wasn't this bad when I went jogging in the park. Perhaps it was the speed - Gym was 20mins maintaining the same speed, regardless of how breathless I was. A long time since I felt this lethargic after a jog, yet at the same time refreshing. I felt good =)

Now I'm wondering what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day (for the rest of the few months before school starts to be exact) before 6pm. Having tuition for a sec 1 girl. That's my first time tuitioning an outsider. If she isn't just in sec one, I guess I'll have to get some text books and tys to get myself prepared. So that's not the worse.

What's worse? I'm gonna know my new name tmr! freak.. an unknown name which I'm gonna use for the rest of my life. Oh God, please let it be nice.. Tonight will most probably be a sleepless nite..

what's on the tiny brain of mine..

1. I need another haircut.. my fringe!
2. I seriously don't wanna move house. I love Pasir Ris!
3. I need a holiday - with my friends. but who wants to go with me??
4. I'm thinking of taking a course.. for SPA.
5. How long more does it take to get my new name done.. I'm applying sim with my current name. it's so troublesome to get it change.
6. I need a part-time job.
7. I need to complete the cross-stitch so I can get a new one.
8. I donnoe.. what's next on the list?

Finally..

Poly is over.. finally.. Completed the suppaper yesterday and went to watch Marley & Me with Tony.. and that's the second time I'm watching it. the first time was with seokming, van and jacinth. it do sounds a little unbelieveable but that was our first outing since we first introduce ourselves to each other during year one orientation. Except jacinth. I know her only later in Tourism Academy in Sentosa during year two. We do talked, but we had our own clicks then. come to think of it, 3 years seems short, but there's so much which we have gone through. the tears, the argument...

Went too tony's place after the movie. went past the travel agency and picked up some brochures. I'm getting a little sick oof staying in this little boring island. I always wonder if someday, a gigantic monster will pick me up and dump me in an isolate island. perhaps that's when I know how to appreciate this petite Island. but now.. I really feel like escaping. I was looking at Keke yesterday during dinner, telling tony something ridiculous. I told him that I want to become Keke. She seems so satisfied with her life everyday. How good would it be if I'm in place of her.

I guess it's time for a change. I'm getting bored of myself. of my life. but before i can decide what i can do, I'm gonna spend my day watching huan zhu ge ge - for the 11th times.

一生的愿望

记得念小学时，教师常常问我们将来长大后有什么志愿。男同学都不约而同地说以后长大后要当警察。而女同学就说要当护士，当老师。我想了一阵子，怎么想也想不到自己的志愿是什么。后来教师接着问，有谁的志愿当个家庭主妇。我毫不犹豫的举了手。同学们不禁大笑了起来。看看周围才察觉到原来似乎只有我一个人有这个念头。

直到今天，对于自己的志愿─依然一片模糊。曾经想过当经理。但发现原来那么漂亮的名称背后是多么的艰苦。也许是我脑筋转得慢，这种工作根本就不适合我。要我对着那些密密麻麻的文件简直要我生不如死。

每个人对于幸福的定义不同。“争”对我来说是自私、是丑陋。有些人为了能比你好，会不顾一切陷你与不义。我理想中的幸福是种分享、是种美德。愿望与幸福；志愿与成功。其中，我选择了幸福。我不需要荣华富贵，不想忙碌大半辈子就为了那些虚伪的物质来装扮自己。而我一生的愿望─与世无争。

一曲动人心弦的旋律

小时候在外婆家常常从广播中听到这曲旋律。那时候大约五六岁吧。那时候的我每当听到时都不禁感到害怕。怕得躲在房子的一个角落。它总给我一种好凄凉，好无助的感觉。

两个月前，我在HMV买了Kenny G 的一张专辑-Love Ballads 时偶然中又让我再次听见了它。那时候才发现曲子歌名叫 Theme from Dying Young。年幼时对这旋律的感觉依旧。不一样的是-我竟然深深地爱上了它…

http://bluebells88.multiply.com/music/item/112/Love_Ballads
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB5e9Q5Isp0

When nothing goes well~

Well, exams again~ Yet it hads been very discouraging since the preparation for it. When nothing goes well~

1. I was study hard, revising, copying notes as usual. The first bad news (the least expected news) - I failed my coursework for Destination Planning, which means even if I score well for the main exam paper, I'll still fail overall. Which means, I can only take the subpaper; when she gave us so much tips for the main paper, and worst still, I'm more than 60% done for the revision.

2. I bought a new black file for my notes. cos there were too much notes. I went to Mac for dinner, and I left it there! with all my written notes for Club Mgt in it! I almost jumped out of the window. But I got it back.

3. Ear infection ~ so hard to concentrate. so painful and the medicine made it itch so much. Super irritating.

4. After Club main paper - I LOST THE DAMN BLACK FILE AGAIN! I left it in the examination classroom! and I went back it wasn't there already. And I have a next paper in 2.5 hrs time. cannot concentrate. The file contains not only my Club notes, but also Spa notes (having exam for that the next day, which is tomorrow)Ran around the school looking for help - for the bloody file. Finally my lecturer managed to get it back for my from the chef invigilator. And guess what? I left my wallet on top of that file without even me noticing it until my lecturer asked me whether that belongs to me as well.

5. Club paper was fine. At least I'm certain that I can pass. Cruise? No idea. I was reading through the paper during the ten minutes of reading time. When the invigilator said "start", I simply skipped qn 1,2,3 and started with 4. After which, I was just praying hard "pls let me secure another mark." ok. PLEASE. Just let me pass.. (by the way, I just recalled the word 'pilot'. I was doing the comparison part. and I couldn't recall. So I named him "the person who fly the plane". -_-" SIGH!)

6. Another paper tmr. Spa Management. Although it isn't the last paper, (cos of the desti subpaper in march), still.. good luck to me. I really really need it.

The Career Fair Maze

Jacinth, Seokming, Vanessa and I went for the Career fair in school today. We were looking around but there wasn't much choices related to our course. The first booth we went to was Marina Bay Sands, and after having the application formed filled up, we continued to see what else is being offered. Unfortunately, that was the only one.

Frankly speaking, as compared to my 3 other friends, I have no idea where i'm heading to. I wish to continue pursuing my studies of cos, but not knowing where and what to study. As we headed towards to end, there were three booths which caught their attention - NUS SMU and NTU. Apprently it does not appeal to me because I simply knew that I would not be able to get in with my currently GPA.

Some questions went through my mind. Where does the problem lies? Was it that I did not strive hard enough? What exactly was wrong? I just couldn't figure out. But even if I did figure it out, it was already too late for any amendments. Now, I eould just like to answer this very last and difficult question before this semester ends. Where exactly am I heading to?

NAPFA has never been this great~

NAPFA has been a nuisance every since sec one, especially when I keep failing the same old station, and the amount of "trainings" the teacher would put us through irritates. Not mentioning 2.4km run which I had to take at least twice before I could actually pass due to asthma attacks.

Anyway, NAPFA today was simply great. It has need such a long time since this semester that I felt this relaxed. During the 4hrs, my mind was empty, so empty that stress was forgotten. And surprisingly I passed all my 5 stations! Regarding the 2.4km run, I have no strength to check how long I took. I had a bad headache after the run, and we need to wait for them to compile the results one by one in order to know how well/badly we did. My stomach was groaning!

NAPFA was enjoyable partly due to my friends. Jacinth, Peiyu and Valerie. It was such a regret that we wasn't in the same group with Peiyu and Valerie! Sad. But good enough. I'm already more than glad to complete this with them =D

Well, anyway, I went for dinner with Jacinth after that. We went for bubble tea before that. I had a great time chatting with her. It seems to be the first time we have chatted so much out of schoolwork. And glad to say that I've found another friend (a third friend) in poly of the same frequency. Seriously, its not easy. Especially now we're in the third year, last semester, last 23days in poly. Like what the auntie selling bubble tea said, it's fate. I'll definitely treasure it.

Sigh.. can't hide from it eventually. NAPFA has past, stress is back. Time to get back to spa tutorial. sob..

沉重

今天课后和讲师聊了一会儿。聊着，我们从测验成绩聊到了我复习的过程。他说对我的印象深刻。因为我主动地向他索取关于课堂外的参考书。所以认为我非常积极，努力。

当时的我感触万分，有一种莫名的感动与难过。因为我有多么地无可奈何。因此我和他分享了我背后的挣扎。我努力的原因不是为了超越别人，也不是为了要别人知道我付出了多少努力。我只不过不想被抛在后头，被别人看不起。就这样而已…

我在理工学院的朋友少，不是因为我高傲。相反的，是因为我自卑。接近三年的挣扎，我却一直摆脱不了这种自卑感…为什么?